Jokes So Awful They Could Provoke You To Murder

[dulcinea]

A true story from the time of radio sports broadcasts.
The announcer is describing the public at a boxing match. He notices several handsome ladies dressed in elegant strapless evening gowns. Perhaps overawed by their beauty, he proceeds to broadcast this spoonerism:
An impressive portion of the public is several handsome ladies dressed in GOWNLESS evening STRAPS!

[dulcinea]

'tis amazing how a change in the declamation of a line can totally distort the meaning of what an actor is trying to say!
A Spanish troupe was performing a drama. At a particularly tragic scene the actor was supposed to say:
SEN~OR, MUERTO ESTA'; TARDE LLEGAMOS=SIR, HE IS DEAD; WE ARRIVED TOO LATE.
However, the actor rushed the line so much that it came out as:
SEN~OR MUERTO, ESTA TARDE LLEGAMOS=MR. CORPSE, WE ARRIVED THIS EVENING.

[dulcinea]

Pronunciation is a tricky matter, which is why you have to be careful with heavy accents.
Eduardo Dato Iradier, President of the Government=Prime Minister of Spain, was at a loss as to whom to appoint as Minister of War, so he sought the advice of a very knowledgeable friend, an Andalusian who spoke with a very THICK Andalusian accent. As they walked the street, Dato was so absorbed in his problem that he did not notice that his advisor had stopped to admire a very beautiful woman. The friend, wanting to make a joke out of the issue that so troubled Dato, said to him:
HAGA OZTE' MINIZTRO A EZA=APPOINT HER AZ MINIZTER.
Dato, never turning around, then responded:
Eza? The viscount of Eza? Say, that is a good idea!
And that is how Luis Marichalar y Monreal, viscount of Eza--a man very important in the agriculture business--got appointed as Minister of War.

[dulcinea]

A representative of Hasbro and other games' companies is drumming up business. At a retirement home, he sets his attention on a gentleman who, from the beginning, warns him that he is not interested.
Since that is a common response, the representative is undeterred. He starts by proposing card games, from Happy Families to bridge and poker. To everything the man replies:
No, tried it once and didn't like it.
A bit disappointed, the representative next tries board games, from Chinese Checkers to chess, Monopoly and Scrabble. The response is the same:
No, tried it once and didn't like it.
A lot disappointed, the representative finally tries his best selling items: athletic games, from miniature golf to golf, tennis, ping pong, bycicling and a very long etcetera. But the easily bored gentleman is relentless:
No, tried it once and didn't like it.
Not ready to admit defeat, the representative finally asks Mr. Excitement if he at least knows someone who might be interested in purchasing a few games. The man suggests his son.
Oh, you have a son? That's good; do you have any more family?
No, just that son.
You mean you only had one child?
That's right: only one.
AH, TRIED IT ONCE AND DIDN'T LIKE IT???

[dulcinea]

Improvement on a joke of Al Jaffee.
A businessman is sitting at the desk of his office. The desk has a plate with his name: Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal.
The door bears his name: Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal.
There is even his portrait on the wall, with a nameplate that clearly says: Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal.
A deliveryman with a box enters, and, not noticing any of the clues, asks: Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal?
Annoyed, the businessman replies with a very snarky snappy answer: No, I'm Tom Cruise, but I changed it to
Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal
because it's easier to pronounce.
To which the deliveryman replies: Very funny, zopenco=jerk!--, and he throws the box at the businessman's head.
Another deliveryman arrives with hot coffee and food, and, like the previous one, asks: Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal?
Even though he has a black right eye and a bump on his head, the businessman still has not learned his lesson, and again he snarks back: No, I'm Tom Cruise, but I changed it to
Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal
because it's easier to pronounce.
To which the deliveryman replies: Oh, you are so cute, zoquete=jackass!--, and he throws the coffee and food at the businessman's head.
A man--not a deliveryman this time--enters and asks: Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal?
The businessman--two black eyes; scars, burns and bumps on his head; and coffee and food all over his head and clothes--replies in a very gentle and humble manner: Yes, yes, I'm Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal!
To which the man replies: Good--for I am Tom Cruise, so zote=you dope!!!--and proceeds to take the businessman's portrait and smash it over the already very sore head of Zoroastro Zorobabel Sorozabal.

[Proton]

An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 90 years old and for the seventy years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!"

"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.

"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

[dulcinea]

An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 90 years old and for the seventy years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!"

"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.

"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

This is funny. One of the characters is Jewish; is this an example of what is called ethnic humor?

[Proton]

An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 90 years old and for the seventy years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!"

"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.

"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

This is funny. One of the characters is Jewish; is this an example of what is called ethnic humor?

Glad that you liked it, Dulcinea. Sure, you could call it that.

[dulcinea]

A writing class received the assignment of composing an story that included RELIGION, ROYALTY, SEX, and MYSTERY.
The student who earned top grade did it with an nine word haiku:
My God,
the queen
is pregnant!
Who did it?

[Ted Quanrud]

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.

[dulcinea]

Another example of a radio broadcaster sticking his foot in his mouth.
A drama is just ending; the actors have just read their parts. The announcer then starts to set the stage for the next episode. He is supposed to say:
Will John cook Sadie's goose?
However, he is in too much of a haste to finish, so he pulls up this spoonerism:
Will John goose Sadie's cook?

[BWV 1080]

Two 9-11 truthers are walking down the street when a drunk driver runs over and kills them. As the stand at the Heavenly gates, God asks
"Any questions before you enter?"

"Yes, what Reeaally happened on 9-11?"' One asks

"Well", God says, "Some Muslim terrorists hijacked some airliners and crashed them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon"

One truther then turns to the other and says "Damn, this thing goes further up than we thought"

[dulcinea]

TV announcers get distracted as easily as radio announcers.
In 1954 the HALLMARK HALL OF FAME anthology series presented a version of MOBY DICK, directed by Albert McCleery and starring Victor Jory as Captain Ahab.
The announcer was supposed to introduce the show as:
with Victor Jory in the LEAD role.
Instead it came out as:
with Victor Jory in the TITLE role.

[dulcinea]

One of the DID YOU KNOW? Beethoven trivia that MUSIC CHOICE displays on its CLASSICAL MASTERPIECES channel is THE FATHER OF BEETHOVEN WAS THE SON OF A COURT MUSICIAN.
That is the same as saying THE FATHER OF ELIZABETH II WAS THE SON OF A KING.