Mother's Day

[John F]

Mother’s Day gift ideas for literature’s best and worst moms
By Alexandra Petri
Published: May 10, 2013

Mother’s Day is upon us again. What do you give the woman who brought you into this world?

If you are anything like me, you forget the day entirely and belatedly e-mail her a Groupon for threading services she does not want. Sometimes, if I remember, I call her and suggest she take me out to lunch. Other years, I creep into the house, hoping to surprise her with a thoughtful breakfast tray, only to discover that she is out of town for the weekend and I have permanently traumatized the dog, sending him into years of costly therapy.

I could send my mother a handwritten note complaining that Really All Of This Hullaballoo Is A Construct Created By Greeting Card Companies, but I do that every year. The trouble with Mother’s Day is the sliding scale of what is considered appropriate.

Age: 0 to 5 - Handmade construction-paper card.

Age 5 to 10 - Handmade card with heart-felt, crayoned message.

Age 10 to 12 - Breakfast in bed.

Age 12 to 17 - Aggressive indifference.

Age 17 onward - Indifference, interrupted by pleas for money.

Perhaps the question is not what you do give the woman who brought you into this world but what you should give her.

There, I am less equipped to advise you.

There is plenty of precedent, of course.

There have been mothers for at least as long as the species has been kicking around the planet. Our troglodyte forebears had mothers, who sat in the caves making certain they did not crayon over the mammoth paintings or make loud noises in the middle of the night to interrupt the slumber of the recently domesticated wolf, who was still a little unclear on the concept. When our forebears tripped and skinned their knees in the course of the hunt, or the other young gatherers excluded them from their birthday parties, moms were there to offer encouragement and the prehistoric equivalent of Neosporin.

And there are mothers not just in prehistory but in history and literature and pop culture as well. There are those ladies who turn up in all the detergent commercials. Difficult as my mother is to shop for, I am glad I do not have to shop for them. They are capable of freezing time to make certain that their offspring do not leave the house with tomato sauce on their sensible Old Navy shirts. They know instinctively how many sheets of quilted double-ply paper toweling are required to deal with that spill. They bring Sunny Delight and Incrustables to soccer practice and laugh broad laughs with their impeccable white teeth. I have no idea what they want for Mother’s Day, other than possibly a better work-life balance or copies of “The Feminine Mystique.”

Perhaps literature offers better guidance. It is liberally strewn with mothers, from the sea nymph Thetis in the Iliad, who likes to follow her son Achilles to work and suggest better approaches (“Stop trying to give me new armor, Mom! This armor is FINE! Okay?”) and Odysseus’s old mother Anticlea, whom he runs into the instant he arrives at the Underworld. (Q: How did Odysseus know he was in Hell? A: He saw his mother.) There’s Grendel’s mother in “Beowulf,” who goes charging out of the swamp to set straight the people who have been mean to her son after he charged into their mead hall wanting to play. Moving forward in literature, there are plenty of mothers in Shakespeare. The closer to the present you get, the easier they become to shop for.

For “Pride and Prejudice’s” Mrs. Bennet, just bring home an eligible man in possession of a good fortune who is in want of a wife!

Get Mrs. Grendel a prosthetic swamp-monster arm.

Sophie Zawistowski: Well, never mind.

"Hamlet’s” Gertrude: Take clingy son out of the house.

Mrs. Bates: See previous answer.

“Gypsy’s” Mama Rose: The Spotlight.

“Les Miserables’ ” Fantine: Teeth, or Groupon for a nice haircut.

“The Sound of Music’s” Maria von Trapp: Obnoxious puppet show involving goats.

“The Scarlet Letter’s” Hester Prynne: New outfit. Nice BEST M_TERNAL FIGURE shirt with a hole for the A?

“Oedipus Rex’s” Jocasta: Expose clingy son on mountainside as a baby and make sure the shepherd doesn’t wimp out on it.

“All women become their mothers,” Oscar Wilde said. “That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.” Well, except for Norman Bates, I guess.

But none of this gets me any closer to solving the puzzle of what to do for Mother’s Day. The Hallmark cards seem a little inadequate to the task, since they’re contractually obligated to be vague enough that strangers in Cleveland can use them. I began thumbing listlessly through my inbox full of Groupons when I noticed the note.

“Mothers in literature – good topic for Mother’s Day,” my mother had written.

Sounds like a plan, Mom. Also, let me know where to send this coupon for 12 Oil Changes for the price of 6.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/com ... orst-moms/

[jbuck919]

My mother has a tendency to celebrate special occasions in the hospital. She turned 90 nearly three years ago in rehab recovering from a broken back. Now she's in the hospital for Mother's Day after a series of falls last night. Outlook: hopeful.

[lennygoran]

My mother has a tendency to celebrate special occasions in the hospital. She turned 90 nearly three years ago in rehab recovering from a broken back. Now she's in the hospital for Mother's Day after a series of falls last night. Outlook: hopeful.

So sorry to hear this--glad that at least the outlook is good! Were you there when the falls occurred--what would happen if you weren't home when she fell? Regards, Len

[jbuck919]

My mother has a tendency to celebrate special occasions in the hospital. She turned 90 nearly three years ago in rehab recovering from a broken back. Now she's in the hospital for Mother's Day after a series of falls last night. Outlook: hopeful.

So sorry to hear this--glad that at least the outlook is good! Were you there when the falls occurred--what would happen if you weren't home when she fell? Regards, Len

Thank you, Len, for your kind and timely concern. To answer your questions, I was there (in fact I prevented a third fall just by catching her), and if I weren't home she would lie there until I returned. (We had LifeLiine for quite a while, but she is way beyond being able to deal properly with the necklace/button.)

As a matter of fact, developments are not good. The experience of going to the hospital has triggered an acceleration of dementia (the doctor calls it "acute delirium"), and it is a pitiable thing to behold in someone who yesterday still had the recognizable personality of my mother.

It is not common for our members to share personal matters like this, but many of you know that I have lived with and been the caretaker for my mother for a number of years. Under the circumstances, it will comfort me to know that I may think of you as friends.

[lennygoran]

it is a pitiable thing to behold in someone who yesterday still had the recognizable personality of my mother.

Oh how terrible--we can imagine what you're going through--Sue's mother had alzheimers and the situation was awful. Regards, Len

[Auntie Lynn]

Oh, my darling mama - when she wasn't busy being a Captain of Industry, she was out there in size 2 French jeans cheering the NASCAR races...long may she wave...

[Donald Isler]

Hope your mother will make good progress, John B, and be able to come home soon.

[Chalkperson]

John, I am so sorry to read this about your Mother, sending her and yourself my love...cd xx

[Agnes Selby]

John, I am truly sorry to hear about your Mother. I wish her all the
very best and may she spend next Mother's Day enjoying your company
and a nice chocolate cake instead of being in hospital.

Regards,
Agnes.

[Ricordanza]

John, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. We're going through some similar circumstances with my wife's mother, and I know that there are no easy answers and many tough decisions down the road. I'm thinking of you.

H

[jbuck919]

I thank everybody for their concern. Mom had calmed down and was sleeping when I saw her yesterday, and I began the process of nursing home placement with a care manager. Then this morning the doctor called and said that three separate things are wrong that do not bode well for her making it that far. So at best she'll be in the hospital for a while longer and will go from there into nursing care. I'll keep you informed.

[jbuck919]

My mother was transferred to a nursing home this afternoon, but it is 50 miles and more than an hour's drive away (from here, from the hospital, from every school where I substitute; centrally located, you might say, if the opposite arc of the circle is somewhere in the middle of Vermont). The hospital has to accept a bed within a 50-mile radius if nothing closer is offered. My preferred choice has her at the top of the waiting list.

So there we are. A difficult transition, not the end of the story, but as good a resolution as can be had for now.

[lennygoran]

So there we are. A difficult transition, not the end of the story, but as good a resolution as can be had for now.

These transitions seem to always be difficult--at least that was the case for Sue and myself--wishing you the best. Regards, Len

[Chalkperson]

I'm pleased to hear your Mother is out of the Hospital, she will be well taken care of by the Nursing Home, whilst it is a long way for you to go you can rest easy that she is surrounded by people who know how to look after her, hopefully she will be moved to a closer location in due time, we are all thinking of you both...

[Donald Isler]

I hope your mother will soon be moved to a decent place closer than where she is now, and will make a good adjustment to the new circumstances.

[jbuck919]

The most conveniently located nursing home called on Friday and offered a bed, so on Monday I will be moving my mother there. I pass near this place all the time (especially during the school year), so it will be nothing to pop over for 15-30 minute visits as opposed to planning for hours spent on a trip I can manage at most once a week.

My mother crossed into some kind of new dementia territory with her placement. She can't talk to the staff about anything but seeing me, but when I'm there it takes considerable effort to get her to realize it is me. And when she does, all she can talk about is going home, which she never will do.

In the meantime I have also been kept busy applying for Medicaid, a complicated and uncertain process even in a relatively generous state and county like New York and Warren. However, every nursing home resident who lives long enough and is not wealthy eventually ends up on Medicaid, so this is actually considered the normal thing to do. In addition, I have had to engage a lawyer to help me secure the house against the five-year lookback (you can look that up if you're interested). As a caretaker child I am probably safe, but one can take nothing for granted.

[Chalkperson]

I'm glad your Mother will be moving to a home that is closer to where you live, and I hope that you qualify for Medicaid, I did look up the Lookback Period, I had no idea such a law existed but it's not really my area of expertise...

My mother suffered the same kind of Dementia your mother now faces for nearly fifteen years, it's a difficult situation, when he was alive my father visited her when he could despite their divorce 30 years previously, but most of the visit she did not know him, she never remembered me at all when he was there, even when he showed her pictures of me, but when he left she would tell the Nurses all about my journey to the New World as she called my new home in America. The Nurses were absolutely wonderful, I thank them with all my heart...

[Donald Isler]

Sorry to hear about your mother's deterioration, John, but I'm glad she will be living at a convenient distance for you to be able to see her regularly. And I hope the financial business works out as best as it can for you, too.

[lennygoran]

In addition, I have had to engage a lawyer to help me secure the house against the five-year lookback (you can look that up if you're interested). As a caretaker child I am probably safe, but one can take nothing for granted.

Good luck with all this--I wasn't familiar with the lookback but found stuff like this:

"CASE 5: In July 2003, Harold puts his daughter's name on his house worth $146,656. Harold enters a nursing home tomorrow and applies for Medicaid benefits. Answer: Adding his daughter's name to the deed is considered a gift of one-half the value, or a gift of $73,328. This results in a penalty of 16 months from the date of the gift. This gift occurred during the look-back period; however, the disqualification period has expired and Harold is eligible for Medicaid.

Obviously, the gifting rules can be complicated at times, and there are various exceptions to the gifting and transfer rules. The penalty divisor also changes periodically. As always, it is important to consult a knowledgeable elder law attorney for advice."

http://www.djplaw.com/what-is-the-five- ... es-it-work

Regards, Len

[jbuck919]

Thanks to Chalkie and Donald for their sympathetic comments, which I know are backed by their own experience. And thanks Len for taking the trouble to look that up. It is different from state to state (even county to county), but never simple, and you can see why I did in fact need a lawyer.

Recently a court case in New Jersey appeared to set a new local (I hope) standard. A woman was denied the caretaker child exemption because she could not provide sufficient proof that in the years she lived with her mother she in fact took care of her at a level that kept her from requiring care at public expense. Heaven help me if I have to come up with something like that to keep the house.

[lennygoran]

Your comments on how complicated and frustrating this can be made me think of Medicaid interpretations and how they differ from the IRS interpretations--the IRS has really been under scrutiny for the last several weeks. I hope all this can be worked out without trouble for you and am so glad to hear you have a lawyer! Found this article:

http://www.agingcare.com/Articles/irs-g ... 148777.htm

Regards, Len